Love In The Nick of Tyme

Love In The Nick of Tyme: a play review

Today in honor of me actually getting a request, I decided to review a play. This one in particular seemed promising at first glance, but everything that followed had fail written all over it..... the first sign would be it's appearance on B.E.T. what I found to be amazing is the fact it wasn't a Tyler Perry play, but sadly, it had a similar flair, which brings me to blacks in drama.... well, there's not really much to talk about here is there? Well, there is a reason for that; most plays starring African Americans tend to be horrible with poor acting being the major issue, their plots are generally weak, the subject matter is never anything deep or complex; their stories lack a certain amount of depth, which would warrant them to be taken serious, and overall, they have a tendency to be stereotypical as well as being riddled with various degrees of foolishness. What's even more disturbing is the lack of a socially conscious message; no metaphor can be seen in relation to any form of realistic empowerment within the majority of the plays. My last most recent look at any play made by an African Americans prior to this one was my introduction to Tyler Perry's work, and boy was I outraged by his ridiculous characters, poor interpretations of black people, and those damn religious overtones. I would go on to rip into him, but it was already covered in the Diary of a Mad Black Woman review. Thankfully this is a different writer. Although given the current state of plays in relation to blacks, that doesn't seem to make a difference in this case. The man I'm speaking of is none other than David E. Talbert, a playwright, director, and producer, who is probably best known for his first feature length film: First Sunday, a movie that starred Ice Cube and Tracy Morgan as two petty thieves that attempt to rob a church. To simply say: "that movie sucked", would be an understatement of epic proportions.

To be honest, the idea of the plot centering on robbing a church wasn't necessarily bad, it could have been a device used to open a constructive dialogue about how the church takes money from black communities making their pockets fatter so they can ride in Mercedes, own a house or two as well as make the church look ten times better with big screen TV's, extravagant decorations, and more, meanwhile the community looks like a desolate wasteland. This movie could have been something admirable and praiseworthy daring to break their bond of social conformity within the black community, but the shit falls short of anything on that level. I mean, after all, blacks loooove church..... *sigh*
 
David had also produced a  reality TV show, Black Stage, a program where actors and singers compete for a part in one of his plays. Pretty much like any other form of "reality" TV series where people compete.

The play.....

In 2009,  Talbert, produced what appeared to be his 12th play for B.E.T. titled: Love In The Nick Of Tyme. Like others in his field, David has managed to perfect the art of creating plays with a superficial atmosphere centering on lust as a major proponent and materialistic glorification masking the insecurities we hold. Remember what I said above about it looking promising? Well, that may have been a temporal lapse in judgment as well as sanity. Appearances can be deceiving.... Love In The Nick Of Tyme is a play about a woman who owns and runs a (insert the generic career for a black woman to have in any given form of media) beauty shop and is stuck in a love triangle between a jazz musician and a UPS man . Not that I'm against it, but damn, is there nothing else? She couldn't be a doctor instead? Oooh, wait, that would take some deep mental construction to develop a form of art that is compelling. (my mistake) The play begins with some black guy in a purple suit lighting a cigarette looking like a wannabe pimp with a fake white beard. (looked fake to me, if not it was colored) Not quite sure what he was supposed to be, I honestly could not figure it out. Pimp might be a stretch considering no women were even acknowledging this dude at all, he reminded me of a fake ass Ving Rhames, but apparently this guy is our narrator. Although with his picture shown hanging on the door, it would imply that he was either a jazz musician or owner of the club he was standing outside of.. (he really looked more like Barney the purple Dinosaur) The next scene opens with Tyme, portrayed by actress Terry Dexter, as she walks into her shop that just so happens to have the alarm going off.(sounds like a bad neighborhood to keep your shop in) turns out to be nothing more than faulty wiring. What follows next can only be described as a tasteless personification of ignorance that goes by the name Elgin.... *sigh* why...?


Elgin is an incompetent security guard who apparently likes to wear shorts showing off his ashy knees in 30 degrees, because his "mamma" suggested he should wear his own clothes if the work pants didn't fit him. (What moron picks shorts to wear when it's 30 degrees outside? And why the hell are the shorts that he owns the only thing he could find to fit him? The hell does he spend money on? Probably those donuts shown in the play) Everything about this character is annoying and sad.(I mean, he couldn't even afford to pay for some much needed lotion)  I would like to say he's the only clown in the whole play, but the truth is a crackhead will make an appearance alongside a hustler selling stolen goods... (worst neighborhood to run a shop) Later, Tyme's son, Man (too lazy to give him an actual name I guess) shows up. He seemed to be an okay character, but he came off too cheery with the most cheesiest looking smile painted on his face leaving him to be one of the corniest of characters in the cast. Actor, Morris Chestnut plays the role of Man's father, Marcelles, a jazz musician who can't seem to keep his promises and is always on the road. He also is the on again off again boyfriend of Tyme. That last sentence let's us no right away what their relationship is like; not stable. Throughout the course of them both being on screen together we learn from Ms. Dee Dee, portrayed by Elia English( Jamie Foxx Show) in one of her rants that he doesn't pay child support, and we all know that's a bad sign.... We also learn a bit more about the relationship between Tyme and Marcelles as they begin to reminisce over the good times such as, the time she slashed his tires when she was under the impression he was cheating on her, and who could forget day she keyed his car with an ice scraper, because she thought he was cheating? This insight tells us she has some jealousy issues and considering the type of guy he is, one would wonder why she continues to play this game.

In the second act of the play we are introduced to three women who work at Tyme's salon, two of which were the most ghetto of all the women in the play. In fact the only women that weren't was Tyme and Lauren. Lauren was the third woman employed at the salon. She was portrayed by Lyn Talbert, who is the wife of David. (Damn, her husband didn't give her the lead role? That's messed up) I actually liked this character, but sadly she was over shadowed by the other women in the shop. Next person to arrive is the neighborhood hustler, a fake interpretation of a Pan African male. He wasn't as bad as Elgin, but he was a moron as well.Believe it or not, he was played by the singer, Avant. (music must not be selling like it used to; last I heard, he only had four minutes) Once he leaves,  a dancing crackhead shows up at the window.... yes, the same one I mentioned above. David obviously got the idea for look of the crackhead from Chapelle, but does not do the look any justice, it was just a knock off of Tyrone Biggums. zero points for originality.

As we began to reach the middle, Henry, the UPS man enters the salon. Henry is the polar opposite of Marcelles and the man who wants to be with Tyme. Though a few of his lines were corny, I couldn't really say much more, the actor's portrayal was fairly decent, until he began to break into song. Apparently Andre Pitre, the man in the role of the UPS man, is an R&B singer like Avant. Trust me, he's not all that... Anyway, after that crappy watered down duet with Tyme and the UPS boy, Ms. Dee Dee decides to talk about dicks and not just any kind either, no sir, she was talking about the ones the size of a yard stick, after Tyme has finished doing her hair. Ms. Dee Dee feels that Tyme may be whipped because Marcelles has the magic stick. (allegedly)

In the last act of the play, Tyme eventually starts going out with Henry and enjoys his company, but our boy Marcelles finds out. Instead of being a man, owning up to his mistakes, he chooses the next best thing; sleeping with one of Tyme's employees. While Marcelles messes around, he also does his best to get inside Tyme's head. Eventually Tyme gets fed up with this loser. Thank goodness!!

Final thoughts.....

 I actually liked the character of Tyme and love the portrayal by Terry, but as the play progressed she sounded like she could barely catch her breath. Besides that, the musical aspect was poor and overly exaggerated, and the acting was terribly over done. I will say this: half of the cast actually grow over the course of time and Ms. Dee Dee wasn't really a bad character, she seen through the bullshit of everyone, essentially calling them out. In truth. this play is pretty much a Tyler Perry play minus Madea and the man bashing. It failed because of that reason in particular. I do feel that the play would be better as a movie, if he took out all the crap hindering it from being viewed positively. Is it worth watching? Hell no. The plot was weak and predictable, the performance level was mediocre, and Avant needs to keep his day job, he really sucked. If you are a reasonably intelligent person, trust me, I do NOT recommend.

Fasting for The Natives

Fasting in honor of the natives

Today I would like to take a break from the movie reviews and finally focus on another topic I have been meaning to cover; Thanksgiving and the reason I don't celebrate it! Since we are in the season, I figured now was a good time as any. When October transitions into November, most people are getting ready in preparation to stuff themselves with a bird and most likely get drunk with family. Not me, I realize the truth of what's really being celebrated and the truth is: nothing real. On this day, I abstain from eating in protests of what really happened that most of us choose not to take in account even when we are aware of it. We claim to be humane and care for each other, yet we ignore the deaths of native Americans in favor of a falsified historical account that we use as a symbol to bring families together. What about their ancestor's family? You know the ones that didn't have what we're having? By now if you are a christian reading this you may be angered by this, if so, good. If you're a person who uses this particular event to stuff yourself or just spend time with family, you may also be mad too. Of course if you know what this blog is known for by now, your outrage and reaction to what's expressed here is of little to no importance to me at all. This is a reality check. You can either get on the train or get ran over.

For those of you that don't know, thanksgiving, like every other major holiday, is built on the basis of a lie. Most people are familiar with the idea of the early settlers, the pilgrims,coming to america and having a beautiful feast with the native Americans getting along like family right? That never happened. That was merely a romanticized version of what really happened here. Along with European colonization came diseases like cowpox that eventually gave rise to smallpox, which was the result of the animals they had domesticated, which helped in decreasing the population of native Americans significantly. Besides that taking place, in 1637, many natives were killed in what is known as the Pequot Massacre, after a white man was found murdered in his boat. All the actions here lead up to a realization: neither the pilgrims or natives were fond of each other. The pilgrims were even thankful for the decrease in the native's population. In fact it has been argued by many historians that Thanksgiving festivities, may be
the end result of the Pequot Massacre, leading up to it being seen as a celebration of those that were slaughtered. If that be the case it is disturbing how we are willing to overlook all of this based on our own convenience. The day after the massacre, the governor of Massachusetts Bay Colony stated: "A day of Thanksgiving, thanking God that they had eliminated over 700 men, women and children." It was signed into law that, "This day forth shall be a day of celebration and thanksgiving for subduing the Pequots." Yeah, it's a bit hard to ignore something like that....

My intent here is to make you think. Question what you have been told on this subject no matter if you want to pig out with the family or not, ask yourself "should I really do that today knowing all this? Or will I do the american thing and accept shit as face value, because that's really all that's expected of me?" I'm not saying that you have to do what I do (because many of you won't anyway, you lack the type of will power in my possession, it's okay, I understand) , but you must realize that by celebrating this holiday regardless of your reasons and/or excuses, you are practically spitting on the face of Native Americans everywhere who have suffered. If you have any heart at all, you would at least consider what this day of all days mean to them. On that day I fast in memory and out of respect for those that owned this land before it was stolen from them. I fast for these people that have had their whole history distorted and the truth about them essentially erased. I fast for the Native Americans!

Diary Of a Mad Black Woman: a movie review

Diary Of a Mad Black Woman, a movie review.



Welcome back to the blog that has a tendency to steam roll over various things that were of some interests and were horrible for even existing. Today I would like to direct your attention towards the most dull, lifeless,   unoriginal trash to reach movie screens; Black cinema. I know some black folks will be mad about this, particularly the dumb ones who support almost anything that has to do with blacks no matter how bad it is. Poor delusional bastards.... Don't get me wrong, I used to praise black cinema for movies like: The Color Purple, Eve's Bayou, and more. movies like them were of a high caliber in both tone and quality, with brilliantly written scripts holding a level of complexity that was for a time, unrivaled. Damn, those were the days. Throughout the years black cinema lost it's edge, dissolving into a mere shell of it's former self as it was rendered hollow, tasteless and repetitive. What the hell happened?? Well, unfortunately it had become stuck in a box of it's own creation. What black cinema needed was something fresh, it needed to be expansive with  a reach for sci-fi and mystery, but instead it fell into the hands of a grown man whom's acting is far more believable when he dresses up like a woman than he does as a man. No, I'm not talking about RuPaul either. (on a serious note, I bet Ru could have done a better job with making some movies. I'd watch) I'm talking about Tyler Perry.

For those of you lucky people who haven't heard of him, Tyler Perry is a director, author, and playwright who has been known to jack clothes from his mother's closet and dress up as an old woman packing a pistol in his purse.

In the early 2000's I was introduced to one of Tyler's plays. Can't say I recall the name of it and frankly it wasn't something you would want to remember, unless you go for that crap where everyone breaks into song and every problem is resolved by black people going to church, because us blacks can't do shit without praying to an invisible man in the sky, to which there is no evidence for. Damn, that pretty much sums up the whole premise of both the plays and movies.... well, minus the stereotypes and the man bashing. The message he tries to get across is meant to empower black women, which I haven't ignored and do find that to be something praise worthy and admirable, but his work truly doesn't fulfill what he set out to achieve. They stereotype and victimize the women, making them appear weak, make black men look like a constant bully and aggressor, and makes a mockery of black people by misrepresenting them as ghetto with dreadful  religious overtones. On top of that, Tyler wants you to adhere to the moral philosophy of a pistol packing grandmother, his main character whom he plays, Madea.  *sigh* Why do I even bother? As a black man I am appalled by his performances.

Now on to the movie......

In 2005 one of Tyler's play's had been turned into a movie. That movie was the infamous, ever popular, Diary Of a Mad Black Woman. The major issue that killed this movie would have to be that damn Madea. Remember what I wrote above about the movies mostly making women appear weak, religious, and so on? Well, that's what this one does.... of course there are some strong females in the cast, but guess what? They're mostly loud, ghetto, ignorant interpretations of black women that continue to plague the media as well as TV and movies. No thank you, seriously don't need another one of those. One is bad enough. Which brings me back to Madea. After the main character of the movie, Helen, portrayed by the lovely actress Kimberly Elise, waiting for a romantic evening only to find her stuff all packed up oh so nicely by her husband of 18 years, whom she shared a perfect life with.(ON THE SURFACE, I mean duh, no marriage is perfect) To top it all off, Charles, the husband, portrayed by some bald guy I've never even heard of, Steve Harris? (who the hell is this no name guy?) Anyway, he leaves her for his mistress,*gasp*  who just so happens to be a white woman? No, not really, but that would have been funny. As it turns out the woman who was indeed black is just one of the many chicks he was screwing, but she was favored so highly that her position in Charles life had become solidified.Yup, she filed her application to become Helen's replacement and it was approved. Following these events, Helen seeks the help from her outrageous grandmother, (Tyler Perry) Madea after stealing a truck from the guy Charles had called to help her move out..... (Charles is a serious dick)
Not even 15 minutes pass of her being on screen and already we see a crackhead. Some time after, all hell has broken loose.

Madea gives her granddaughter advice on getting her half out of the marriage by pulling a buzz-saw out of her purse and ripping the furniture in half. No joke, that shit was really in the movie. Not quite sure how many people have a grandmother that would do that, hell I don't know what grown woman in her right mind would have even asked that loony for help. Oh, wait.... she wasn't in her right mind. Later on due to her grandmother's advice and willful display of destruction, they are both taken to court. Brilliant advice, I know.

By the time we hit the middle of this movie, Shemar Moore has shown up with the worst performance I had ever seen from him. You see, his character, Orlando was the guy she stole the truck from in the beginning. For some reason he falls in love with her despite her stealing the truck and treating him like crap.. please.

By the end of the movie Charles finally gets what's coming to him. *spoiler alert* He gets shot and is pretty much paralyzed from the waste down. His life continues to take a turn for the worst as the mistress eventually leaves him. (can't get jiggy with it when your johnson's not working properly) She also withdrew all of his money from his bank account and took it with her. There's even a scene where Helen, who at this point is the only person he can turn to slaps him and even attempts to leave him in a bath tub to drown. Apparently she doesn't of course.

What this movie has taught me is this: 1.watch out for black men with money, they're assholes.
2. I should take relationship advice from my grandmother who keeps a gun in her purse who has been to jail more than once.
3.if you're black and go to church magically your problem is solved no matter if they're equipped for your mental issues or not.
4. my knight in shinning armor will roll up like Shemar Moore.
5. the story is complete bullshit.

Final thoughts.....

In all honesty I have nothing against the man, he seems like an okay guy, but if you expect me to be happy for his success as a black man who rose up from a troubled past, you may as well label me a hater and kiss my ass while you're at it, which ever works for you, I have low tolerance for bullshit. He made it, but at what cost? . He may have had good intentions making his movies, but the truth of the matter is this: his interpretations of African Americans ushers in nothing more than a modern day minstrel show reminiscent of Black face. His depictions are overtly offensive, ignorant, tasteless, and disgraceful. His writing is so one dimensional that it hurts. A true director should at least have a sense of variety rather than making the same damn movie over and over again. He might gain my respect if he could successfully direct a sci-fi, without him playing any character in the movie. (not holding my breath)

Green Lantern: the movie (a critique/review)

Okay, before I get started I must say I was thoroughly disappointed by the catastrophe of The Green Lantern movie. Tears dropped from my eyes not only at the sight of it, but also the sound.

In 2011 Martin Campbell directed a live action film based on DC comics character The Green Lantern, specifically the silver age version of the character, Hal Jordan. With his appearance in the DC universe, the Green Lantern Corps, an intergalactic police force, was introduced. Each G.L. owns a power ring that can create solid constructs. The rings themselves are powered by the will of the owners and are technological creations that were made by an alien race known as the Guardians who are also the creators of the Corps and are also said to be the guardians of the universe. Only those who are without fear are chosen. (because not everyone is up on their comic history)

With a very interesting concept that has had a multitude of great comic book stories how does one fuck up the first ever theatrical rendition of the most legendary of all Green Lanterns?  Ryan Reynolds. Nuff said...
When I first got wind of Reynolds being cast as Hal, I couldn't see it beyond the right type of resemblance and build and the fact he has some type of charm? Trust me, people dig his corny ass... why? Besides his body I have no clue. Maybe charisma? Whatever the case, he's likable, but does that mean he's what you would call the right guy to be Hal? Hell no. At the very beginning  he displayed his annoying sense of wit in what I dare to characterize as one of his most corniest performances. Ever. And it just so happened that he had to use it to desecrate the screen of our emerald warrior's movie. Like a fool, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, hoping he could pull weight and that the central corniness was due to the kid he was talking to in the movie. I was wrong! He starts off corny and by the end he upgrades to completely whack.

I will say it did stay true to the origins of course with some changes to better fit this time period since the original origin story was in the 1950's, but there were other choices that went along with part of the problem.  Amazing as you would expect it to be, the movie has only two memorably great scenes in it. Sadly neither of which were able to save this pile of cinema crap that was thrust upon us that very year.... I'll get to that later.

The movie opens with a spectacularly done prologue, letting us know right away who the enemy is. They really were off to a good start; Abin Sur, the Green Lantern in control of earth's sector before Hal Jordan, appears as he should. All sounds pretty good right? Well, that ends the minute Reynolds enters the fold. The story starts with Hal Jordan, a test pilot leaving some chick he screwed in his bed ( not a bad choice, but the actor being Ryan is another story entirely) to rush to his job. The next part wasn't all that bad, well minus his lackluster wit....
Anyway, Reynolds objective was to test out what the Saber's (pretty much UN-manned fighter jets, their equivalent of a drone I suppose) capabilities in battle, but Reynolds has a different idea entirely. He uses his wingman as a decoy and comes up with a cleverly stupid plan to beat them. Not the type of dude you want on your team; dude will let you get jumped. By this point he's managed to piss everyone off. Sadly, the dogfight was one of the verrrrrrrrrrrrrry few scenes that were praise worthy. (that's right, verrrrrrrrrrry is just how dramatic I chose to make it.)

So we're going to skip pass the lame moments as well as Ryan's weak ass chemistry (or should I say lack there of) between him and his long time love interest, Carol Ferris (the wingman he used as a decoy BTW)  and head towards the second praise worthy performance.

By the time we reach the middle he has the power ring in his possession and begins training with the other ring wielders. The action and special effects far exceeded my expectations with beautifully designed constructs. Out of all the great scenes that could have been used, the training parts were probably the best that this movie has to offer. In fact, I argue that it may have done better if they never went back to earth. That and have another actor cast as Hal Jordan.
So what killed this movie? Be sides Ryan's acting? Nothing. He single-handedly destroyed the whole damn thing with his performance alone at the end. I see what they were trying to do with their approach with him making a speech, but it doesn't work in the context they were aiming for, especially not with Reynolds! They couldn't even redeem themselves with an epic boss battle. That movie was bullshit. How can you not have an epic boss battle given all the other effects you used? It was supposed to go out with a bang, not some crappy moral of the day shit. It's so bad that it was worse than Twilight.

Final thought: if you come across this movie head for the nearest exit, you were warned.

Twilight: New Moon, a movie review

                                                 

                                             Twilight: New Moon, a movie review


Welcome to a blog built for the purpose of holding a few rants upon any given subject, because in all honesty someone has to say this shit and at least be critical of bullshit when they see it.

Moving right along, today I will be giving you a review of one of the most terrible movies I have ever watched; Twilight. Yes, I know there are many fans out there that love the movie series, novels, etc., but of course I do not give a fuck in the slightest. Anyway, for those of you not familiar (though I highly doubt you aren't) Twilight, like I mentioned above, is a series of novels created by: Stephanie Myers, about a high school girl who falls madly in love with (of all things) a vampire and is caught in a love triangle with him as well as a werewolf, which gained a lot of success resulting in the first movie being made in 2009 as well as merchandise and t-shirts.

Let's take a step back. Twilight's first movie showed me exactly what type of girl isn't a positive role model, for instance, Bella, the main character of the series, is in rough shape mentally. From what I gathered, she was somewhat of an outcast and was a bit broken inside. Of course she made friends and seemed as though she was about to get herself on the right track, but then Edward, the emo vampire, steps into her life. That's when it all went down hill.

Further showing us how damaged she is, after finding out this dude is a vampire (with diamond skin? really?) she gets curious. Several problems with this: 1. he was waaaaaaaaay older than her. Technically it would be fair to say he's a child molester. 2.he stood over her bed while she was sleeping. That would make him a stalker. 3. she knows damn well that by nature he is a predator and can kill her. 4. Bella is dumb, period.
 When you break it all down, besides the characters being beyond corny, lacking a sense of personality and Bella being a confused and slightly delusional teenage girl, it's subliminally sending the message of a girl picking the guy that's bad for her in so many ways is some how romantic and charming. It also exposes a lot more metaphorically. For example, Diamond skin, it represents the notion of the old idea that diamonds are a girls best friend, leaning towards a materialistic and shallow state of mind.  Another subliminal shot comes from her wanting to be a vampire too. A firm representation of changing everything she is (you know her individuality? although she doesn't have much, at all) to become something that she is not, because she feels it's the only way they can be together. Granted she had a point, at the drop of blood his family was ready to pounce on her to obey their thirst! Apparently they don't drink the blood of humans, they're vegans, so they drink the blood of animals. Wait... what? This shit makes no sense! Also if Bella knew they were like that why the hell does she still want to be with him and hang around them? That's a sign telling you to stay the fuck away from that bunch, but no, she ignores the obvious. By the way the fight at the end was so anti-climatic...

Okay now on to the second movie......

Picking up where they left off in the first movie, Bella is indeed still in love with the emo vampire and the acting is as poor as it was last movie. (for the record, Dracula would waste him with one hand) In this sequel  Bella becomes a bit more unhinged than she was in the first movie, graduating to desperate and borderline psychotic. It all happens after Edward tells her they can't be together after a single drop of blood from Bella's paper cut almost turns into a feeding frenzy, prompting the emo to throw Bella into the wall to protect her. Yeah, because flinging your girl with super strength into a wall (that could have left her with a concussion and broken bones) was the best way to save her. Right.... Anyway, after he tells her it's done, she can't deal with it. He tells her she won't be able to find him, making things much worst for the poor girl, and tells her to promise she won't do anything "reckless", but come on man, it's Bella we're talking about here. After he vanishes, guess what she does? If you guessed: looked for him aimlessly until it was dark and trips, you are a winner!

Skipping to her promise of not being "reckless", she starts putting herself in serious danger just to see him again. Little girls watched this....?  I will say this much, with the wolf boy appearing he would have been the better choice, although by nature he would also be considered to be a predator as well, but still. Instead of that thought Bella decides to use him.... yeah, some role model. To be honest this movie has some qualities that could have been made into something amazing, but it fails with it's flawed concept of romance with a character who has the reasoning of a twelve year old school girl, with a warped sense of logic. Even her love for the emo is unrealistic and disturbing on so many levels.

All in all it's not worth it, spare yourselves and watch The Time Traveler's Wife.